my non-ambitious ambition

my father had little sayings which he mostly shared
during dinner sessions; food made him think of
survival:
"succeed or suck eggs . . ."
"the early bird gets the worm . . ."
"early to bed and early to rise makes a man (etc.) . . ."
"anybody who wants to can make it in America . . ."
"God takes care of those who (etc.) . . ."

I had no particular idea who he was talking
to, and personally I thought him a
crazed and stupid brute
but my mother always interspersed these
sessions with: "Henry, listen to your
father."

at that age I didn't have any other
choice
but as the food went down with the
sayings
the appetite and the digestion went
along with them.

it seemed to me that I had never met
another person on earth
as discouraging to my happiness
as my father.

and it appeared that I had
the same effect upon
him.

"You are a bum," he told me, "and you'll
always be a bum!"

and I thought, if being a bum is to be the
opposite of what this son-of-a-bitch
is, then that's what I'm going to
be.

and it's too bad he's been dead
so long
for now he can't see
how beautifully I've succeeded
at
that.

Charles Bukowski in You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense, Ecco/HarperCollins, 1986